There have been a lot of tears in our household as of late. Even as I write my hands are shaking and my heart is aching. It is hard to be brave, to pretend I’m okay. It’s not okay. I’m not okay. I have entered into a new normal. The kind of normal I never imagined that I would be apart of. I am still trying to find my way around this new normal, and I am unsure of what every new day holds. This was not supposed to happen.
Let me start at the beginning…
After Christmas 2011 we headed North to bring in the New Year in Charlotte, NC. It was wonderful to have my whole family at home at the same time. On the morning of the 31st I woke up feeling a little woozy. Just for kicks, I took a pregnancy test, we had been trying for over a year to get pregnant…I was completely shocked when I saw a faint line. Could it be?! A POSITIVE LINE! I could not believe it. I kept it to myself with a sly smile and waited to tell Ryan that evening as we brought in the New Year together. This was it, this was going to be our year…New Year, New Baby!! We were so excited. Next Christmas we would have a little one and we would finally be parents.
I was floating on clouds as I went to the Doctor to have it confirmed. I was floating all the way home as the news sunk in that I would be a Mother. This year could not have started off any better.
On January 22nd I started having some complications. We went to the ER and saw our sweet baby for the first time, she looked so happy in my belly. She was moving around and looked like she was having a dance party. The heartbeat was good. We made a follow up with our Doctor the following day. He confirmed that the heartbeat was good and did an exam. All was okay. Our baby was okay. We were so happy, and breathed a huge sigh of relief.
I was put on bed rest of which I took very seriously only getting up to use the restroom. It was the longest most boring week of my life, but I was so happy knowing that our sweet baby was okay. Our ultrasound was scheduled for the 1st and It could not come fast enough. We arrived at the Doctor’s office excited to see our baby again.
We did not get the chance to see our baby again. The mood was ominous as we waited for the Doctor to tell us that we had lost our baby. It took so long to sink in. We lost her. I was no longer pregnant. We gathered our things and I walked out through the waiting room full of pregnant women, feeling ashamed and useless. I barely made it to the car when the tears started fall. I felt crushed and bruised. I felt as though there was an alarm going off in my head and I was just going through the motions, but the alarm wouldn’t shut off.
The days and weeks following were a blur. I walked through the motions of normalcy feeling so numb inside. I was not myself. I had entered into a new normal. I went through the common phases of grieving…the anger phase lasted the longest.
I am in a better place now as I type this…I know there is nothing that can bring back our child. I know nothing can replace her. I am comfortable now in knowing that there was nothing that I could have done differently. It does not make it any better…but then there is nothing that could make it better. It is sad. I have been so very sad.
There are days that are better than others and then there are days when something triggers that deep pain inside of me and I lose it again. I expect a lot of days like that…remembering and crying. Our memories can be a painful thing.March 26, 2012
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